kathleenmosko@gmail.com                      Twitter    @KathleenMosko

Hi Everyone!

Since we’re on the subject of post-surgical stuff, I was thinking about my expectations. Also, I’ve listen to a lot of questions about what others’ expectations are for their post-op experience.

It didn’t hit me all at once. Call me naive. I guess I had this ah ha moment ‘long about two or three months into my recovery. I was sitting at Dr. Smith’s office and it hit me when the TV in the waiting room showed a commercial for a law firm handling Social Security Disability cases. I won’t have to file for SSI! That was certainly a light bulb moment!

I’ll tell ya why. All along the before thought I held deep in me was, I would get a wheelchair, get on SSI, and live what life I had left out and settle for whatever moresels life would hand me in the way of attention and companionship. I’d given up on life, on ever owning my own home again, of ever being out of pain, of possibly facing giving up driving, of ever not being co-dependent on another human being. What I felt I was facing was the rest of my life in a downward spiral. At some point I figured I would become bedridden and it’s not a far leap to the coffin after that. Yet, through all those thoughts, there was a burn deep within my soul. It was still that last flicker of hope. I was born an optimist, so how could I possibly not hold out even the slightest chance of hope.

I’ve shared with you in the past I never gave up hope on Brian, no matter how hopeless it seemed, and if that was within me then, then why should I be any less of a person to deserve that same power of hope? I honestly can’t tell you HOW I managed to muster the courage any other way except, I prayed. Mom always said, “Prayer is powerful, Kathie.” I prayed long, and hard and oh, so often for God to show me a sign, just like He did in the past with Brian. I asked Him to guide me in a direction of wellness to skilled hands who could rid me of my torture. And then, I gave my expectations to Him.

As I found my way, at first I had certain hopes, wishes really, because those hopes seemed so far removed from what I could possibly achieve. I’m talking about just being out of pain. My original thoughts surrounded the idea that the doctor, any doctor I could find, would take away even half the pain. It would eventually return but it would buy me time of some relief. That’s being in accordance with all the horror stories I’d heard about back surgeries over the years. I was open to at least that by the time I finally got to speak with doctors.

When I went to the first doctor and he shared I was so deformed he wouldn’t touch me, my heart sunk. That, for me, was one of the lowest points of my life. To know it had gone so long without treatment, that it was now beyond treatment was truly a devastating blow. When he offered up a colleague as an alternative, my hopes flickered a little. It would take a lot for me to come out of that funk. For another week until his office visit, I waffled back and forth between doing nothing and accepting my fate as it were, or giving it another shot. I always knew in the back of my mind I wanted a neurosurgeon to do my operations if it could be done, but the first doctor didn’t give me much to go on in the hope department!

Since I saw the second surgeon, an orthopod, he gave me a smile as he delivered what he thought was good news to me; I thought that’s all I could hope to achieve. He could reduce my pain by about 50% and I would have 3 major surgeries tearing up my flesh and rendering my muscles pretty much useless. I can see why so many people swore if they had to do their back surgery over again, they wouldn’t.

BUT, March 8, 2010 is my day of mercy and redemption! The day emblazoned in my brain. From his very first words, I knew Dr. William Smith was going to be very special to me. Succinct and charismatic in demeanor, he knew intuitively and listened intently to my story of pain. One he’d heard so often he could recite it just by looking at how a person was walking and standing. My expectations rose considerably as I floated out of his exam room. It would take me days to digest what all was said, and I did hang on his every word simply because I was alone, no one else  came with me to the exam. The only thing that kept resonating in my brain, pinging back and forth like a tennis ball, was the words, “I can take away your pain, do it in a minimally invasive manner and have you back to life activities in a matter of months.” It was almost beyond comprehension.

As the days past waiting for my surgical date, I had to pack and move and be host to out of town visitors. But I’d catch myself when the pain became so overwhelming, thinking of how it just might be to do that very task WITHOUT THE PAIN. As hard as I tried, I just didn’t have a single experience in my recollective past I could relate that thought to. So I simply endured, edging ever closer to my goal, one I pledged to God I would not take for granted should He so grace me with a full recovery. This website fulfills one part of that pledge.

My expectations grew thinking of all the endless possibilities, first little ones, then the “what ifs.” You know the ones you’ve dare not dream. Instead of dreaming about not being in pain, what if you were to dream about being able to sit through an entire movie pain free at a movie theater. ( I tried it at home first) Then, “what if” I could go to the mall and just window shop, or better yet, go to the Fashion Show Mall and walk ALL FOUR FLOORS with no pain! Or linger in a store just to check out everything that caught my eye because I didn’t have to leave because of the pain. And “what if” I could go with my guests to the Hoover Dam and walk around with them, climbing all the steps and walking across the bridge, and feel no pain. “What if” I could finally go back to work and be a productive member of society? WOW! The possibilities were endless… my expectations soared. I’ve eventually been able to do all my “what ifs.” The greatest of these has been being able to physically kneel in church and thank God for all His many blessings.

Early on though, I realized those were somewhat distant goals. Things I could eventually achieve. My condition didn’t happen overnight, and it was going to take some time to undo it. I had no clue how much healing was involved or how long it would take. I simply dedicated my every ounce of being to becoming well again. I had to, I had HOPE, and God was on my side and He wouldn’t let me down if only I would put forth the effort and do my part.

I”ve said it before, Dr. Smith is not a god, but an “instrument” of God given special gifts to share with the world. His time and talents are so rare and unique and it hasn’t been wasted on him. I know several people in my close circle of acquaintances and family that have the IQ of genius, but have done nothing with it, wasting their lives in mediocrity. Such a shame, and frustrating for me to know how hard I’ve struggled to gain each bit of me through endless trial and error, working hard to grasp every ounce of knowledge I come by.  With a reading disorder and being ADHD, one would think I couldn’t focus long enough to write one paragraph, let alone undertaking the task to write three books. And a lot of people have sold me short because of it. (They are now getting quite a surprise!)

As my surgical date approached, my expectations grew. I would need those thoughts to get me through to the other side of my journey. Those expectations weren’t lost, but rather utilized as a way to motivate me to keep at the physical therapy, to do the things necessary for myself to achieve my ultimate goals.

I’ve talked with several people who have a wide range of expectations post-surgery and for their recovery. Some with as narrow a focus as just getting out of a wheelchair and maybe going to a movie. Others envisioned a two or three week recovery. One that would put them back to all their daily tasks within six weeks, and were angry when they weren’t, however pain free they may be. I keep emphasizing how critically important it is to engage in as much formal physical therapy as possible to return your body to a state of new normalcy, free from pain with muscles strong enough to support your repair. But that takes time!

Some are very lucky to have the experience as one gentleman did after his surgery that within two or three weeks was completely pain free from the pre-op pain AND the post-op pain. Another was angry at Dr. Smith that he still had a twinge in his side from the surgical site, although Smith got them out of a wheelchair and was walking upright without the severe pain that put him there. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about Dr. Smith, it’s that he loves smiles. Especially when they erase the furrows of pain on a person’s face. NO, there are no guarantees when he performs the surgeries, but this is a world renown surgeon who doesn’t do something first, unless he sees it needs done and then, thinks it will alleviate the condition that sent you to him in the first place. Again, HE LOVES SMILES! And he has a very long list of admirers.

But your expectations for your “after surgery” recovery should be balanced with certain expectations of the amount of effort you personally put into it. The old adage, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink,” comes to mind in this instance. Dr. Smith(minimally invasive procedure)+personal dedication with a positive mental attitude+motivation=a healed body as pain free as possible! This is a great formula, one you are expected to be an integral part of. Your doctor is only one part of your healing, and your expectations should be the focus of your recovery as a participant. He can’t do the physical therapy for you! YOU are the only one who can fulfill those expectation! But remember… it doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes concentrated effort on your part!

I made a pact with Dr. Smith on March 8th. I pledged to him I would do everything he asked of me, and I wouldn’t complain no matter how difficult it was to do. If he would keep his word to me, then I would keep my word to him. He smiled. I think he knew how serious I was and how important it was for me to make that pact with him. He agreed and it’s kept me going through the tough times all the way to now, as I become a productive member of society, ready to give back.

Just remember to keep your expectations within what you know you are willing to put forth the effort for. Don’t make them so unrealistic they become unattainable. No one wins then. YOU ARE A WINNER, YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN BE PAIN FREE!

And on that, I will just remind you all to take care of you and yours,

hugs,

love,

Kathleen

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