Archive for November, 2011

www.kathleenmosko.com                 Twitter    @kathleenmosko

Hi Everyone!

Today I thought I’d tackle a leading cause for the delay of patient recovery. Pre/Post-op surgical depression. As always I’ll be giving it to you from my perspective, not from some clinical book, but rather from a patients’ point of view. I’ve also taken the liberty to glean off the net some statements from patients dealing with it both in the post & pre-op condition. I will not mention names but will cite circumstances for the sake of discussion here. Also, because I anticipate this being a very long post, I’ll be giving it to you in a couple of different posts, maybe even three. I want to cover as much of the patients point of view but I feel compelled to give you some needed background. I feel this first part is the set-up with the background.

I’ll tell you that my college minor is in psychology, so when I talk about the subject of depression I don’t come to the table blindly. My life-experiences also add to the fullness of my coffers in this sense as well. All one has to do is meander back through some of my earlier posts here on my website to get an idea that I somewhat do know what I’m speaking of.

Per se, I’m no expert on this matter, I’ve struggled with it mildly on and off through the ten years prior to surgery and on and off throughout the last 16 months. Depression is such a personal condition affecting a great many people. I’m not going to give you the facts, you can look all those up for yourself. What I want to talk about here is how it affects a person who’s heading for surgery, or trying to recover from, and the effect it has on your family and/or caregivers during that time.

I was already quite an emotional mess when my debilitating injury occurred. At this same time I was diagnosed with breast cancer as well. I was mildly still trying to grieve for the loss of my father who died 10 weeks after my son was born with multiple birth defects and my then husband had filed for divorce on me because he couldn’t have possibly made an imperfect baby. He was abusive and violent and Brian and I had to go underground to avoid his attempt to kill us both. It took me years to grieve for my father properly because I was dealing with a special needs child at the same time of his death and didn’t know the extent of my son’s health issues. And there’s more, but for this discussion’s sake, we’ll just leave it at that… I can’t even describe to you where my head really was during the course of those days. For the most part I was on autopilot, numb by all this upheaval.

I used to describe my good days as being the lowest of others’ bad days. Does that make sense? Some days I took it an hour at a time. And then there was the harrowing time I stood next to an undercover cop with a loaded, cocked .357 so close between my eyes I could feel the coolness of the steel in the hands of my estranged husband. In those few moments, I saw a life of time flash before me and the surrealness of the experience was if time was in slow motion. Then, I could only manage to take each second at a time, carefully thinking through every breath, every blink, every word I was commanded to say in answer of the perpetrator demanding answers from me. Answers I had no idea how to give that would save my life. And somehow, for some reason, because of the deliberateness of my actions, the careful choice of my words, the change in my demeanor, I was able to see a new sunrise and hold my son again. I did the unexpected and it worked to save my life. Life IS all about choices. In that moment, I chose to do things differently. It saved my life and ultimately my son’s life. Was it difficult? You bet.To have been with me in that moment I don’t know how anyone else would have reacted but I know for myself I made the right choices.

I know too, that everyone has a life story to tell, some more intense than others, nonetheless, it’s their story to tell. And just like those diverse stories, depression has it’s own signature on each of us. Some suffer in slience, some in anger, others in apathy, and the sadest of all, others suffer blindly. By that I mean, they don’t even recognize they’re depressed.

Just look at any evening’s worth of TV and you’ll realize how prevalent depression really is. If Big Pharma is willing to spend millions of research dollars for several different drugs to treat depression, you can well bet there are enough people they can sell their products to and make a profit. Not to mention, they spend millions on each of those TV commercials. They only go after the conditions a vast majority of the public have in order to increase their bottom line. I’m not saying that all drugs are bad, I’m just saying that Big Pharma only treats prevalent conditions, while “orphan or rare” conditions take a back seat to research for a cure. How I know this is for a whole ‘nother topic page…

When I fell, I was semi-paralyzed from it for about six weeks which put me down long enough to let my mind start believing I wasn’t going to get better. Add to this all my most recent life-events and I was what anyone would consider “AN EMOTIONAL MESS!” How was I going to rise above it all? How was I going to get back to work in the kind of excruciating pain I was in? How was I going to care for my son whom I was his only caretaker? How was I ever going to deal with an unstable relationship in my personal life? How was I going to come to grips with losing my future after having spent five and a half years working so hard to get a degree? My spirits plummeted. Along with my spirits, my self worth, my self esteem and a healthy dose of sexuality all went by the wayside. I could no longer function as a person who was on top of her game. One who thought she paid her dues and was on the downhill slide of things. And how was I ever going to get over this mountain of obstacles?

How? By dealing with one problem at a time. The others were all still going to be there, but if I didn’t start somewhere, I’d still be where I was even ten years from then. I had no choice but to start sorting through the mess. At first I handled what I could deal with that was easy. The things that gave me an “atta girl” in my bank for when I’d need some later. Mind you, as I was doing all this I was still reponsible for running the household, working, tending to a sickly child whose needs would always come first, and juggling a relationship that was rocky at best. Oh, I almost forgot, let’s throw in 2 years worth of fertility treatments with hormone injections and a four-month miscarriage! My body was wracked with incessant pain, unending sorrow, and the feeling of overwhelming helplessness.

Yes your knowledge of these things is relevant to know so you have the depth of understanding knowing I know what life can throw at ya. You’re not alone. The circumstances may be different, but you’re certainly not alone.

Being self diagnosed with ADHD, I can tell you concentration is not one of my strongest suits. And yet, I’ve managed without any drugs to achieve many things and see the things I start to fruition. On a good day, in the recesses of my mind I privately celebrate those achievements. That’s my “atta girl” to myself. Few people who know me, including my closest friends really knows all that has happened to me. Often, I feel like when I start to open up to them they are overwhelmed by what I describe to the point where their eyes start to glaze and they have to stop listening because of the intensity of it all. I recently had my girlfriend from high school visiting me. For the first time in a long time I had some quality time with her. As we talked it became clear to her she had no idea I went through all the things I did. In some ways, I felt like for the first time, someone really listened. I am really blessed to have her. For the most part though, I do realize she has a life of her own and her own worries so she will only have limited knowledge of what happens to me.

Since I don’t have a circle of close friends I’m comfortable enough to share my life-altering events with others. It’s made me draw from within, that inner strength you never thought you had until you were put to a test.  My biggest trick is to use the strengths of the friends I do have when they’re not around. You know the old saying, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? Well, knowing the strengths of my friends, I would go to a mental place with them and try to have an internal conversation with them. Through that conversation, I would draw certain conclusions about my problems as they had discussed their opinions with me in prior real conversations.

When times got really tough, I would finally succumb to giving it to God. Which is what I probably should have done right along to begin with but, being human, I felt I had to be in control. I had to take responsibility for the things that were happening to me.What I didn’t realize and what took me a long time to see was that these things, many of which were not in my control to fix, and never were, because they were the doings of others. My only course of action was to react and how I reacted to them was based mostly on the state of my self esteem.

Once I realized my self esteem was the key factor to my positive state of mind. I set about finding ways to build my positive mental attitude to enhance my self esteem. And, as my self esteem improved, my spirits were lifted, giving depression a smaller portion of my life to occupy. The better I felt about me the better I felt. I will never tell you this is an easy task. But from where I’m sitting, it is doable!

As the years went on and I had to manage my pain myself because worker’s comp refused to recognize my injury, I slowly gave up my life in pieces. The outdoor activities I loved such as camping and water skiing went first. Then certain things like mowing the acre of lawn I had was done by a brand new self propelled mower. That’s how I got my exercise every week, but still always in pain. I was still able to swim which gave me the biggest measure of relief. Some say I was obsessed with swimming, but what they didn’t realize was that was my one escape from the constant pain. And for 10 years I suffered daily, mostly in silence with it. Silent because there was a son to raise, activities to be a part of, a life to live. But always with what I called the white noise of pain flowing through my veins, making each step difficult. I had to relinquish a young and vibrant life, one activity at a time. It broke my heart to sit on the back porch and tell my son I couldn’t throw a ball to him to play catch or for him to bat. Instead I tried to find other ways to fulfill his need to be active, but it often fell short. Because of his health problems and my failing health, we were never really far from home. Our home became our everything, our theater, our swimming hole, our game center, our botanical gardens including a koi pond. It was our restaurant, our drive in movie, our ice cream parlor. It was also our safety cove where we watched life go on around us as we sat in life’s boat praying for a couple of miracles.

So for me to not conqor my depression just wasn’t an option.

I’ll continue this but in the meantime, take care of you and yours…

hugs,

Love,

Kathleen

Hi Everyone,

OOOPS! I forgot to let you know I’m at 640 visitors on my website…. I’d like to hit 1,000 by the end of the year…. and with your help in sharing my website I think we can do it…. Please consider sharing my posts with some of your friends…. who knows, they may actually need some of the information I share!

Thanks….

take care of you and yours,

hugs,

Love,

Kathleen

Hi Everyone!

First, HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!

This is going to be my first Thanksgiving in decades I haven’t cooked! Brian and Ally are having us over to their place where they’ve promised a full course holiday meal! I can hardly wait and yet, I’m sad there’ll be no leftovers to pick from, but wait…. there’ll be no leftovers! YAY! Anyway… this should be interesting….

I also wanted to share with you something that happened at the grocery store while shopping. I’d made my way through many of the aisles at the store and was headed for the cheese in the dairy case. I walked passed a grey haired woman who looked absolutely frazzled. She was busy looking at prepackaged meat when, out of the not so far away counter I hear a short older gentleman yell at the top of his voice…”PAAAM!” The sound startled me… and some others around us. I looked at her face of bewilderment and started to walk away. But I just couldn’t let it go. All I could see was the look on her face when I turned to leave. So I did the only thing I could do….

I went back to the gentleman, put my arm around his shoulder, and quietly said to him, “I know she may be hard of hearing, but don’t you think you could have done that a little differently and walked those few steps to talk to her instead of embarrassing her?” “Well, I suppose I could have…” I gave him a squeeze, looked up at her face to see her surprise and walked away… later I saw him come around one of the corners of an asile. He took one look at me and put his head down.

Usually we go over to empathize or give a nod or a caring smile to the one who has fallen victim to such poor treatment. This woman has probably suffered a lifetime of that kind of treatment. I know it well, between my father to my mother and my husbands to me, I’m well aware of what’s going on in her mind. But rare do we ever chastise or snap the aggressor on the nose for the poor treatment of public display they feel so comfortable in doling out to someone they say they hold so dear. It just grated on my last nerve to see him behaving so badly to a woman who probably bore his children and his bad behavior in silence as so many of her generation did.

I didn’t feel righteous about what I did, I actually felt sad. Sad for her that she’s had to suffer so many years of that kind of treatment, and sad that he never recognized he could have done it differently. He wanted her attention and he was going to get what he wanted, dammit. No matter who was around.

I also know this from an outing our family had on one particular Thanksgiving Black Friday. We’d invited some people to go along with us on our festive hunt for bargains. Brian, my son, was all of about 11. We went to one particular store where the older kids split off from the adults who were still lingering in one department. One of our guests didn’t see where Brian was, but he’d come back around to ask me a question. This guest, wanting to be in complete control of the situation, yelled Brian’s name litterally at the top of his lungs. He had just recently returned from active duty. I was livid as I was Brian’s parent and standing right next to the child.

My rule of thumb has always been, you embarrass me in public and I will embarrass you back bigger no matter child or adult… and there was a lesson for Brian to learn right then and there and I was the one to teach it. I went over to the guest and said he had no business embarrassing me or my son in the manner he did, especially since I was his parent and was there. He was not his charge to correct or keep track of. I told him in no uncertain terms he was to NEVER act like that in my presence again in public or think he could superceed my parenting in any way. And I said it all to him right there in the store an it wasn’t in my quite, church voice! We never asked him to go with us again anywhere in public. 

I was always the first to ask, “what did Brian do now?” when I felt he was doing something wrong but truly, that adult thought he could act badly in public and get away with it and it wasn’t happening on my watch. So when I heard this elderly man scream at his wife, it brought me back to an experience I just couldn’t let go. Maybe I was in the wrong for doing what I did, but maybe he’ll think twice of at least doing it in public, MAYBE….

Call me old fashioned and that’s OK, but I just don’t think we’re on this planet long enough for us not to be kind to one another, no matter if we know each other or not. My heart hurts for that nameless woman who has spent many a year getting yelled at and not spoken with. How empty her life must feel. Mom always said, “walk a mile in another man’s moccasins before we pass judgement on them.”

The flip side of that coin is, he may be frustrated as my mother was because dad was hard of hearing and she didn’t want to walk those steps because he often had his hearing aid turned down on purpose. I do believe this was a whole ‘noter situation!

Well, sorry I didn’t post this on Thanksgiving Day, I had some last minute cleaning to do before a friend stopped by and just simply ran out of time!  So for those who are still my friends after this late greeting, to you and yours, I hope you have many things to be grateful for this year.

As always, remember to take care of you and yours,

hugs,

love

Kathleen

Hi Everyone!

Just thought I’d fill you in real quick…. it seems I’m going to have to wait until after the 5th of December to share more with you on the newest health issue, my DVT. After doing some more research, it’s become apparent this is a very serious matter. I’ll be seeing another doctor on the 5th and should have something to report back soon after.

I’m gathering all the information I can about the issue to post here once I get it all straight and the facts about what’s happening to me…. bear in mind, I will only speak about the issue as it pertains to me. But for many it will be a great jumping-off point to get curious enough to ask your own questions and come to your own conclusions about it… REMEMBER, THIS WEBISTE IS ONLY A DISCUSSION MECHANISM, AND IT WILL NEVER REPLACE THE CONVERSATIONS YOU HAVE BETWEEN YOURSELF AND YOUR DOCTOR!!!

This has really thrown me for a loop right now and I’ve become more and more curious as to what the condition is all about!

I will tell you some good news…. my ear infection is clearing up nicely. I am almost done with the strong antibiotics but I will still be going to the ENT to make sure all is ok… I cannot afford for any infection to become too severe as it will end up in my bloodstream and eventually in my hip…I’ll be more on top of this and will not hesitate so long before I get help.

Dr. Sparling made sure I understood what position I’m in. It’s a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” kinda place. I can’t afford to pay for a doctor’s visit, but at this point if I don’t pay for it now, I’ll pay in far greater currency later by letting something like this go. I’ve made the commitment to wellness so I don’t really have a choice. I made the commitment to my doctors, Dr. Sparling, Dr. Smith, and Dr. Crovetti to do my part to make me a whole person. And it’s my responsibility to keep up my end of the bargain. Too many patients don’t keep their word and then wonder why, down the road, the doctor can’t fix a problem. It’s because the condition has been let go for so long, you’ve tied the hands of the doctor treating you to give you any form of relief just because it’s too far gone.

I think that’s why we often see doctors become apathetic to a patient who continues in the bad lifestyle after a life-altering medical event. They are not gods, they are instruments of God, empowered with the knowledge to do His healing through their hands. But it’s that very caring that is often slapped in the face when a doctor realizes no matter how much he explains to a person, until that person WANTS to take control of their own personal healing, he can only do so much.

That must be really hard for a doctor to face every day, day in and day out. I’ll never forget the words of my dad’s surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic when he told him, “Joe, I’m not God, I was able to fix you for now, but you don’t have much good tissue left in your heart from all your smoking, and if you continue the way you have eaten and smoke the way you have, you’ll have to have another open heart surgery in about 9 years.” And he did, almost to the day…. and he never stopped smoking or eating the foods he loved. My dad was his own worst enemy.

I know how hard a struggle it was for him to try and quit smoking, almost as hard as it is for me to get up and get moving after all these sedentary years. But I don’t have any other choice, just like he didn’t but yet he chose to ignore his doctor. I don’t want to ignore mine. They’re wonderful people dedicated to saving lives and first doing no harm. I’m not perfect by any stretch but I keep trying, I keep striving for that place I need to mentally be so I can overcome all my obstacles, not for anyone else but ME! BECAUSE I’M WORTH IT!

If there never was a time in my life when I ever thought I was “worth it” then now is the time I really need to believe it….so, I’m going to the docs and I’m going to do my best to do EVERYTHING they tell me to do… I DON’T WANT TO DIE NOW! They gave me back waaay too much for me to not hold onto it! I’m changing, my life is changing and it’s mostly for the better…. I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me for the many fights left to be fought and I need to just do it, but do it NOW!

After proofreading this post it sounds more like a rah rah speach before some football game, and maybe it’s more for me. Maybe I need to see it in print, read it, feel it so I can live it. This road I’ve been on hasn’t been easy to say the least, but I do know what path I want to take now, and that’s been half my battle. I have many things yet to accomplish, and to be ME doing them….

So pray for me if you will, let me know how things are with you, and remember to always take care of you and yours….

I’ll be back soon,

hugs,

love.

Kathleen

Hi Everyone!

Hi Everyone!

Well, today I had my third rehearsal for Christmas Eve Mass at the Cathedral on the Strip in Vegas! LOL

I have to tell you all that if you’d have told me in March it was going to take me this long to get to where I am now with my singing, I might have thought twice about having the ACDF surgery, not that I really had any choice in it anyway…the pain was so bad I couldn’t not do it,  but then again I wouldn’t have been able to forgo the hip replacement anyway which meant another airway. Geesh! What my poor throat had to go through!

A little background for those who need caught up. Additional surgery was needed on my cervical spine once I had my minimally invasive XLIF back surgery.(see prior posts about the healing from those surgeries in my archive)  That happened in mid-March and 7 1/2 weeks later I was told I had to have another surgery, a total hip replacement. The neck surgery, ACDF, is where the doctor makes an incision in your neck and then pulls back everything in his way so he can get to the area of the spine he needs to correct. Unfortunately I also had my hip done with another airway even though my throat was nowhere healed. this further set me back  plus I made a grave mistake and didn’t take the steroids Dr. Smith told me I’d need to reduce the swelling… A VERY STUPID MISTAKE ON MY PART!

 As a singer, I had no idea of the recovery I would need to get me back to where I am today. Let’s just say I’m on the road, I’m getting my higher register of sound back, but I’m still having trouble with sound and breath control. My clarity in my voice just isn’t quite there yet either.

Today’s rehearsal was a good one… I was hitting most of the high notes, doing the intonations, and was on pitch… now, I just need to work those inner muscles to get the clarity back. It’s not raspy, but I just don’t hear it as a clear tone… I’m not sure how else to describe it.

I”m also having another problem still. My voice-box gets out of alignment and I have to manually move it back into place. It doesn’t hurt, but it is uncomfortable until I do it. I feel like the more I sing, the more I’m strengthening those inner core muscles inside my neck. I’ve done every exercise under the sun for the outer ones, but the ones you use to speak and sing with were stretched as well and they need to be worked so they’re strengthened too. Each time I sing I feel like they’re getting stronger but not strong enough to hold my voice-box in place yet.

I’m more confident now than ever before I’ll be able to get my old singing voice back. AND, if I use my muscles correctly, I can become more in control than ever before of those muscles… THAT would be good. Right now my concentration for those muscles is to get em working the way they’re supposed to work and I’ll worry about getting em to do the tricks later! LOL

Have I ever told you how much I love to sing? Well, I do… and it kills me that even now I still rarely sing because of timing… my spouse sleeps during the day because he works midnights so my days are mostly quite unless I’m driving in the car. (He’s not that fond of my singing anyway.) THEN I treat myself to some music. I had a disc player for my car but it broke, I had a couple of CD’s made with my favorite tunes on them, (mostly show tunes from Broadway musicals), I used as practice songs. Different songs had different ranges for whatever I needed. When I’d first start singing I’d play the lower ranged songs so I could gradually warm up to the ones that had the higher range singing in them. I stopped doing scales for warm-up shortly after I stopped taking voice lessons. My thought was, I don’t sing like that so why should I practice like that… I just never got scales, except for maybe working on pitch. It’s always good to have pitch! LOL I want to be able to reach the real high notes and do them quietly without screeching, like I used to. THAT would be awesome!

Well, I’ve had to take a step down to Sirrius satalite radio but I can still get Broadway and 60′s and 70′s tunes. That will get me through for the most part. But, should the lights go out on my satalite radio, I’d be reduced to listening to regular oldies but goodies without getting to choose. I would be sad, but at least I could still sing.

I know my days as a performer are pretty much behind me except in a choir but at least I can know that I’m sounding as good as I can… I just have to get my muscles to work.

I can still feel like someone’s choking me once in a while, especially when I get tired. March 16th, 2o11 was my ACDF surgery. That was almost 8 full months and an additional surgery ago. I feel like the more I talk or sing the stronger the inner muscles are getting too. My voice-box doesn’t go out of place as much anymore, and I’m starting to feel like my neck has strength. I no longer even think about turning my head or even about getting up with a stiff neck. Those have pretty much gone away. I don’t have any other latent problems that I have had to tolerate as well.  There’s no numbness in my hands any longer and the pain in my mid back is a thing of the past. I have full control of my hands without dropping things and my grasp is pretty strong too. I can open a jar lid without tapping it on the counter too, well, most of the time.  My fingers don’t ache like they used to either. I can reach for things without even thinking about it, and I have good dexterity in my fingers when it comes to buttoning or picking up stuff. Pretty much I’m a go.

My voice isn’t raspy, and there’s a certain clarity to it, however, if I don’t speak for a couple of days, which can happen, I find myself clearing my throat more and breathing differently. I know I need to work on my breath release as well being a singer.

With these surgeries, I’ve really had to relearn a lot of bodily functions most people, including me before my surgeries, take for granted or don’t even know certain muscles are used for that purpose. One good example is when I first started to sing again, I couldn’t believe how much I relied on the muscles in the back of my neck to reach the higher notes. I could really feel a pull on them until I got them stronger! I kept at my neck exercises It’s been an amazing journey to find out what’s attached to what! And, just how much work it’s been to get me where I am today.

A writer friend put it into perspective for me seeing him right after my first surgery. He had just had a big operation and additional healing with what he had done. We started to compare notes about our surgery and pain levels and he looked at me after I told him I had real concern for him and said, “oh, yes, I’ve had surgery, but I haven’t gone through anything like what you just went through.” It was my normal and I couldn’t relate real clearly what he meant to my situation. It wasn’t until I went through the third surgery that it finally dawned on me what he meant by that, I guess I really did go through quite a bit. I just took it one step at a time… literally.

Anyway, I’ve gotten back into the swing of singing show tunes. That was my passion before I stopped singing altogether 11 years ago. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and it’s more than exciting! Maybe next year, if my voice is strong enough Debbie the choir director will let me do a solo or maybe at the least a duet. There’s a tenor that sings in the choir who sounds just like the other student I sang with when we took voice lessons from the same teacher. GOSH, that would be fantastic. But I’m still holding out hope that one day, before I die, I get to sing with Andrea Bocelli! (see earlier posts about him) A pipe-dream for sure, but nonetheless one I’ll hold onto just because my days are made better by my daydreams!

And on that note, I will write again, but remember to take care of you and yours,

hugs,

Love,

Kathleen

www.kathleenmosko.com                 Twitter    @kathleenmosko

Hi Everyone!

This post is dedicated to my mother, Helen T. Franko… today would have been her 90th birthday 11/12/21…

I’d like to let you get to know her a little bit.

When I knew her she was about 5’5″ and the prettiest mom around! In “her day” she could get a whistle just by walking down the boulevard! She was a real head turner! No wonder my dad fell for her! He wasn’t anything to sneeze at either! In “his day” he was her equal in the head turning department!

She was a first generation American from Czech immigrant parents. My grandfather was a coal miner in Uniontown,Pennsylvania and my grandmother cared for the 9 of 11 children she bore him. Mom said she was a happy child even though they were dirt poor. They lived in the row houses near the mine so my Dzeda could walk to work. She said she never realized they were poor because everyone in her world lived the same way she did so she just thought everyone lived like that. Dzeda and Baba could talk only very hard, broken English and spoke to the children in their native Czech. Mom was what nowdays would be called bilingual. When the mine closed they migrated further inland to Ohio to find work around the steel mills. By then mom was out of school and was working at the GE plant making lightbulbs. On Saturdays she and her girlfriend would walk the 4 miles into town to attend a Novena at St. Mary’s Catholic Church. It was something for the girls to do with their Saturday evenings.

As luck would have it, my dad’s parents had settled in from a Pennsylvania coal mining town, Daiseytown, to a house two streets away from moms. Dad and his buddy would sit on the front porch and see these two gals walk past every Saturday. Well, it didn’t take em long to figure out where they were going because they’d followed them along their walk a few times. Finally dad and his buddy got bold enough to ask the gals if they could walk with them and attend Novena, which went on for a while, then they asked em out on a date. My mom was smitten and that’s the only man she ever loved…they were married 49 years when he passed away, just a few months before their 50th.

During that time my mother followed him to every port she could. He was in the Coast Guard. I can remember her telling me stories about her waiting in San Diego on the pier for his ship to come in and she’d stand on the pier until she couldn’t see the ship anymore when he left. She was devoted to him so much the joke for my dad onboard the ship was that he had a girl in every port… then the guys would add, “too bad it’s the same gal, Joe!” But he never minded, he was in love with my mom and it didn’t matter how much fun they poked at him.

When dad was discharged they moved back to Ohio and tried to start a family. Mom had some difficulties and miscarried, but got her problems fixed. And then the babies started. Dad became an electrician and mom was the dutiful wife. I can remember on laundry day her washing clothes with the wringer washer and taking the clothes out to dry on the line… for four children and the two of them that was a LOT of laundry. But still she mananged to put a full meal on the table every night, and be cleaned up when my dad got home from work. She knocked herself out for him to make the life they designed. He on the other hand felt that all he had to do was bring home the paycheck, and the rest was up to her. She worked long thankless hours which finally took a toll on her body. She had delievered five children, one stillborn, one miscarriage, and decades of working in the garden and canning and cooking and ….. the list is endless.

Since I was the youngest I saw a lot… more than my share of stuff… of how my dad who was a quiet man to begin with would come home and be silent with her the whole evening. When bedtime rolled around, she was sad. To her all her efforts, all those years were just years she’d put in doing what “they’d” planned but without any return. For her it was just busy work. So it was no surprise to me when I finally realized, after Brian was born, I was my mother… I once asked her right around the time I had Brian, if she had had the chance to do something different with her life what would she have done. She didn’t have  to think about it, I’m sure she did for decades before, “I would have liked to been a kindergarten school teacher.” She loved children, “I think raising children, especially when they’re that young with formative minds, can be so rewarding knowing you can shape their character in such profound ways.” I alway knew my mom was smart but she never got the chance to use her intelligence. It was about that time I was in a deadend marriage, with a sick baby and no sellable skills that I made up my mind to change and not have the regrets my mom had. I went back to college with Brian in tow.

She taught me many things, but I think her biggest legacy was that she taught me not to lose myself in the everydayness of the present. When you live like that there are no tomorrows, there’s no future, there’s just the tasks at hand, and in her mind that’s all she had to show for at the end of each day. It wasn’t a bad life, just personallly very unfulfilling. She once told me that raising children was like taking a final exam but you never got to know the results for decades down the road. AND, you never got a second chance. I think that one statement was what drove me to do it as right as I possibly could raising Brian. If I didn’t know something I sought out the knowledge to know more. If I didn’t understand something I did research or asked. There was no stone I wasn’t willing to look under and it was because of that one statement I was able to do the job I had before me. And my task was daunting. There was no playbook for me with a special needs child.

She encouraged me, laughed and cried with me, as I shaped and molded Brian’s little life into something sustainable and good. She was proud of what we accomplished, Brian and I. And it was with her participation I got it done. She didn’t know how else to help because of our unique circumstances but she was my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my strength through all of her prayers for Brian and me. She died when Brian was 12, she knew her only grandson, his personality and the terrible things he’d overcome. And it was with her help. She got to see the fruits of her labor and she didn’t have to wait decades to see the results.

It took me many years to lose the feeling of going to the phone and calling her with a question or just to talk with her. And yes, now the flashes  of memories will bring a smile to my face. But in the recesses of my mind, and on days like this doing full bore memories, I sit in a puddle of gratitude wishing she was still here.

But she is always on my heart. I’ve done things much different in my life than she did in hers. I think that too is a legacy she can be proud of, that I learned from her mistakes, made some of my own and never forgot where I came from. 

So on this day, her 90th birthday, let me  sing…. Happy Birthday to you….. Happy Birthday to you….. Happy Birthday dear Moooooom…….. Happy Birthday to you……! I’ll love you forever!

I’ll write more…. but for now, remember to take care of you and yours,

hugs,

Love,

Kathleen

HI EVERYONE!

As we celebrate Veteran’s day, there’s a few people special to me I’d like to remember and thank… 

Hi Everyone!

So many times we wish we had a laundry list of do’s and possible don’ts ahead of our experiences… well today you’re in luck! I was looking through my hard drive and found some writings you may have a need for… let me know if these things are the least bit helpful. I wish I’d have known them before my surgery…. maybe you do too! :>))

  TIPS BEFORE SURGERY

 Do your own research, browse the internet, ask questions, be informed, knowledge is powerful, empower yourself to make the right decisions for you 

Block out all the horror stories you are going to hear about someone’s brother’s uncle who had back surgery and now he’s in a wheelchair, that isn’t you, and you didn’t have his antiquated procedure

Make a list of all your concerns and take it with you each time you go to your doctor, he’s not a mind reader, and often he’s rushed and you can get flustered getting through his exam

Keep a log of any calls you make to insurance providers, doctors’ offices, appliance suppliers and what was said, this helps in the event something comes into question, you can’t remember everything on pain meds.

Have a family meeting or with your caretaker to explain your fears and concerns before and after surgery, they will be your ally when you can’t communicate the way you want while on your meds.

Arrange to have someone with you for at least the first week, knowing you’re not alone is invaluable.

ASK for help, people aren’t mind readers, but will most likely help if you let them know you need it

Enlist someone in your circle of friends to be your sounding board, not to get their opinion, but rather to just listen to hear what’s on your mind out loud, you’d be surprised that some things just don’t sound realistic once they’re said, like telling off your doctor, he really is on your side, he’s staked his reputation on it

Get ice blankets or make them up ahead to have ready when you get home from the hospital, improvise if you must, to wrap your legs in it while your nerve endings are reconnecting and your skin is so sensitive in hyperdrive. Make them by freezing a couple of folded bath or beach towels that were damp, to use put a Chux pad under them so you don’t get wet as they get warm.

Have a network of family or friends or in-home health care professionals to help you through it, and ask them for help

Before surgery, shop around for a good physical therapy place, they can be key to your healing, AND DON’T SKIP Physical Therapy, the stronger your muscles are the more support they’ll be for your spine

Have fresh food in your fridge before you come home from the hospital, it’s an exhausting trip home and have a plan for foods, either frozen, prepackaged or fresh, it’s a little work but pays big dividends when you most need it

Ahead of time, prepare several activities you can do while you heal to break the boredom; maybe choose a book you intended to read but never had that much down time, or learn to crochet or knit, line up your favorite music to listen to or do a mundane activity such as rewriting your address book so all of them are updated, polish your nails, guys indulge yourself to buy a couple of special magazines about cars or fishing or fitness you stand at the magazine rack and read without buying while your wife shops

Have plenty of water on hand before surgery and have some chilled for when you get home.

Purchase items that will help you reach so you can maintain some of your independence.

Use sugar free flavor packets for water so you’ll drink more, just don’t use the whole packet.

Pay attention to your posture; correcting it each time you find yourself not straight up and down.

Get a long shoe horn. 

TIPS FOR AFTER SURGERY 

Listen to your body and let your body dictate your healing 

ASK for help, people aren’t mind readers, but will most likely help if you let them know you need it 

Start a notebook to keep track of your meds, figure out when they should be taken and how they should be spaced to give you optimum benefits, ask your pharmacist; make columns for date, time to take, med you took, and a checkoff column or time taken column…this will help if you are asleep or forget to take your meds when it’s time. 

TAKE PAIN MEDS, AS PRESCRIBED, THEY’RE ONLY FOR A WHILE Don’t try to be a martyr and let your pain meds go longer than the time allotted, you do more harm than good to your body… it’s been through a major trauma with surgery and you need the pain meds so your muscles won’t constrict and go into spasm… 

Be kind to yourself, if you can’t do it today, tomorrow is another day, right now the healing is all about you, treat yourself to make mistakes and not be so rushed to heal 

Talk to your doctor about laxatives and take them if needed, they’re only for a while 

Keep moving, WALK, it’s the best way to gain back your strength at the beginning 

Eat a little bit every three hours, make sure it’s protein and fruit, mostly apples, stay away from heavy carbs 

Follow your doctor’s prescribed course of healing, he’s aware of what you need for the progression of your healing 

Reestablish your old routine of hygiene, the quicker the better 

DRINK PLENTY OF WATER, not only is it necessary for you to eliminate, but it will help flush out all the meds from your system and keep all your systems balanced 

Make sure you keep in touch with your general practitioner to keep him informed, he’s there to pick up the slack between the times you see your surgeon, address any concerns with him you haven’t with your surgeon, they’re on your side, help them help you 

As you heal, make plans to do something special you haven’t been able to do in a long time, start gaining control of things that for so long were not in your control 

Reach out to someone else in need of hearing your experience, you’ll have made a friend for life 

This bears repeating again, have a family meeting or with your caretaker to explain your fears and concerns before and after surgery, they will be your ally when you can’t communicate the way you want while on your meds. 

This one needs to be repeated as well, have someone with you for at least the first week, knowing you’re not alone is invaluable.

Plan a couple of short outings with help as soon as you’re up to it to break the monotony of being indoors. 

Use sugar free flavor packets for water so you’ll drink more, just don’t use the whole packet.

Pay attention to your posture; correcting it each time you find yourself not straight up and down.

 Make a calendar on a piece of notebook paper with just the numbers for six months, circle your doctor visits scheduled, your two week, eight week, three month, and six month benchmarks, cross off each day as soon as it happens, at the beginning. put only half an X (/) to show you got through half that day already.

 Use short term goals to reach for, like loosing 5 pounds in a month or being able to walk to the corner by the end of the second week.

Plan your shower and lay out all necessary items ahead; wash cloth, razor, & body lotion for afterwards.

Sit squarely on things, making sure what you sit upon has no chance of collapsing.

Ladies, desensitize your skin so you can shave your legs by rubbing the area to be shaved vigorously just before touching the affected area with the razor. It’ll be much less painful.

Use your shower seat, men especially listen to this, don’t be stubborn, it’s only for a while, ladies place a clean wash cloth on it before you sit down.

Sit at the edge of your bed and stand up, then sit down as often as you can from now on. That motion will strengthen your back and your legs as well as your lower abdominal muscles.

ADVICE FOR SURGICAL PATIENTS

Be assertive, not aggressive with your physical therapy, the more you do without overdoing it, the more you’ll be able to do

Your Physical Therapist can teach you invaluable lessons how to deal with your new body for later

Learn from your Physical Therapist how to balance properly so it lessens the incident of falling

If you had bad eating habits and know it, now is a good time to change them, eat healthier

Weight loss is always a plus, but most of all, the less you weigh, the easier it is on your back

Improvise using aids to help you reach for things, and at the beginning, if it drops, leave it for someone else to pick up

Be very careful how you sit upon things like stools, until your fusing process is complete, you may want to avoid them all together, make sure what you sit upon is stable

Pay attention to your posture, correct it as soon as you feel it change, it’s a great habit to get into

In order to get through the first weeks of surgical pain I created a chart for myself out of notebook paper and hung it on the wall. It was a nondescript calendar of the following six months worth of days after surgery. You can use a regular calendar too. On it I placed my 2wk, 6wk, and 2 month checkups, then I put on there goals I wanted to achieve by a certain day, even if it took me longer I left that goal showing but then when I finally accomplished it, I put it on the calendar too. I continually set myself goals to reach, but attainable so I wouldn’t get discouraged. Finally I put at the end of the six months a goal I felt was doable but I had to work to achieve. That goal was me long after the six months came and went. And it didn’t matter to me because I knew I was getting closer and that’s what drove me to keep going.

As those goals were met and the days past, and as my achievements were accomplished, I crossed off those days… some days the pain got the best of me. On those days I took it sometimes minute by minute. I would set my goal for the noon mark so I could cross off half a day by drawing half an X across that day. Little by little I became so busy with my rehab and PT I’d forget to mark the days off and it’d be two or three days before I remembered to even look at my calendar. I always kept that end goal in mind. My achievements were small and incremental but always forward moving. In looking back, it simply amazes me what I’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. 

Find nonfat comfort foods that are healthy, filling, and that will be nutritious;

nonfat yogurt,

nonfat milk,

salad greens with canned mandarin orange sections and sliced almonds,

apples

sugar free applesauce sprinkled with cinnamon and chopped walnuts,

100% juices in moderation,

sugar free popsicles or other flavored iced treats,

28 almonds,

14 walnuts,

20 pecans as servings sizes provides important Omega-3′s for snacks,

Starbucks has Lite versions of their drinks that are only 100 calories,

chicken and turkey are high in protein, make sure you are eating lots of that, your body requires more now that you’re going through the healing process.

 Use lotion all over your body, it will stop the itching from dry skin.

 Eat small meals every three hours, use only one meal replacement bar in a day such as Cliff bars, they’re good, but not better than real food.

 Though each person is different, make a new bucket list of all the things you had to give up that you’ll now be able to do, it gives you personal motivation to stay on course with your Physical Therapy.

 Make a calendar on a piece of notebook paper with just the numbers for six months, circle your doctor visits scheduled, your two week, eight week, three month, and six month benchmarks, cross off each day as soon as it happens, at the beginning. put only half an X (/) to show you got through half that day already.

Do little things that make you feel good about yourself, meditate, pray, clean out that nasty junk drawer in the kitchen, reorganize your file cabinet, spend extra time with your pets, feed the birds in the yard, they’re fascinating to watch.

Try new activities as you feel better but remember to not overextend yourself, especially in the beginning, it will come soon enough.

Learn to be kind to yourself, pamper yourself a little, no one else will if you don’t.

Get in and out of the car by 1^st sitting down with both feet on the ground, then bringing both legs in together… those with SUV’s may require you to 1^st bend one knee back and place your foot into the vehicle before sliding your bottom onto the seat. Then lift your other leg into the vehicle.

When opening a sliding glass door, plant your stance at least shoulder width apart before using a pulling motion to open or close the door, use your body weight to the the work.

You can tell I had way too much time on my hands shortly after surgery… and this is by no means a comprehensive list, just some of the things I experienced while I was healing…

I’ll get back to substantive writing soon, I promise, but for now if you can use this information for your own surgery or to advise someone else about theirs’, use this information to make someone’s life a little easier…in the meantime remember to take care of you and yours!

hugs,

Love,

Kathleen

Hi Everyone!

Recently a very sad situation occurred which has left two families heartsick. I’ve been inundated by questions concerning Dr. Michael Crovetti and the tragic death of a student at his home on Halloween weekend.

Let me make it perfectly clear… I in no way am paid to ever say the things I say here on my website by anyone… I speak directly from my personal knowledge base and my heart.

I’ve only known about the case by what I’ve heard in news reports about the loss of a wonderful young person. It is my understanding this young man died at the doctor’s home after consuming a large quantity of alcohol at another location. His loss is an opportunity to highlight how important it is for all of us as parents, or just as adults, to share the perils of under aged drinking with our young people and emphasize it’s dangers. Life is all about choices and some of us make very big mistakes with our choices. Some choices are even irrevocable.

My heart hurts for these two families who, after some not so good choices being made, they must now be forced to live with the consequences. I am talking mostly about the children who were involved with the overindulgent drinking, unbeknownst to the doctor and his wife. From the reports on the news, Dr. Michael Crovetti is cooperating fully with authorities and has been forthcoming in all aspects of the case.

I can only pray that the parents of the young man are able to grieve properly and are given the support and love they’ll need to find their way during this tragedy. With his future ahead of him, it was reported he had a bright one to follow. As a parent I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache his parents must feel. The saying is that no parent should bury their children, least they carry their loss all the days of their lives. This young man was loved by many of his classmates and teammates and will be sorely missed not just by his parents but by a very tight-knit Bishop Gorman community. Their mindset is, when one is lost, it is a loss for them all. I know this because my son graduated from Bishop Gorman High School. I too have felt the loss of this young man in a profound way simply because of the Gorman connection. Once a Gael, always a Gael.

I want to give some personal reflection about Dr. Crovetti because of all the searches and questions here on my website. Since the sad loss, I have not spoken with Dr. Crovetti personally. However, I will share what I know from my past experience with him.

Dr. Crovetti is, in my opinion, one of the most caring doctors I’ve ever met. And with my son’s health issues, I’ve met hundreds of them. Crovetti is well respected in his field all over the country and is liked by most all of his patients, though that is only hearsay from his office workers. I can attest to some of that because no matter when I mention that I had my hip surgery done by Doctor Crovetti, those that have heard of him, have nothing but good things to say about him. 

I recently met his wife at the office, and I was impressed at how personable, warm and friendly she was, they are a very genuine couple. There has never been anything to give me pause about Dr. Crovetti, not in his manner, not in his attitude, not in professionalism, and certainly not in his compassion for others. I have been told by others about things Dr. Crovetti has done without hesitation, and adverse to recognition, to help whenever he could. The oath he took is his mantra in life, “First do No Harm.”

So as people search the web to find answers to the tragedy that occured this past Halloween, know that there are two families grieving a huge loss. There can only be time now for healing and reflection. In that reflection let others learn from the mistakes made and carry it forward so the loss of this young man’s  life is not in vain. If, when the final police investigation is disclosed and closed, let it stand as a lesson to young people that, you too, after making such wrong choices could meet this fate. For his family and friends, I will pray that you find peace in your hearts and can eventually move on, keeping his memory alive and in your hearts in a positive way.

As for Dr. Michael Crovetti, and his family, I will pray that you too find peace in a way to fill the hole in your heart you feel for the loss of this young person, knowing how much a part of your family he was.

May God Bless and keep all of you in His embrace as you all journey back to life without your beloved family member and friend.

with much love,

hugs,

Kathleen